In a rerun of an NCIS episode, Gibbs tells a teammate who is experiencing difficulties with the memory of a lost loved one, to simply close his eyes and only remember the good times. When I close my eyes all I see is the love of my life Monica asking for help. "Help Me" she struggles to mouth in the days before her death. I've deleted all of the television shows I've had recorded for Monica and me to watch because, well, they were for us to watch together.
I went shopping for the first time yesterday at Publix and was halfway through the store before I realized I had placed too many items in my cart. It looked like I was cooking for a family of six. As I replaced the items on the shelves I had to yet revisit them again and removed the double items because I'm no longer cooking for two. In fact, I don't think I'll ever cook again. I visited the frozen food aisle and stocked up a few of what we used to call "TV dinners" and of course some coffee.
I lost Monica less than two weeks ago to a combination one-two punch of Rheumatoid Arthritis and Lupus that she had struggled with for many years. These two diseases have no cure but the treatment for these diseases, to help slow their destructive progress, was the reason she lost her life. The unfortunate side effect of these medications is the destruction of her own immune system leaving her wide open for infections to run rampant.
In a couple of days, we would have celebrated our 46th wedding anniversary. 46 years is a lifetime; a life where we shared everything, every day, rarely ever apart. I can no longer tell where my "person" begins and her "person" ends. I don't think as Jim but rather a blend of two people. The transition to the solitary life is one my soul is fighting with. One of the etymologies of the word widower is "lonely, solitary" a defining moment in the life of both. I don't think "lonely" even comes close to the feelings I am experiencing. Every defining moment in my life has been with and in concert with Monica. I've accomplished nothing. The team, the partnership, the marriage of Jim and Monica accomplished everything.
I honestly don't know where to go from here. My kids all have their own ideas but the truth is I need to remove myself from them so they can get on with establishing their own team. I need to get on with making sure that I travel to the NorthWest, the last trip Monica and I were planning to take together. After that, it might be time to fold up my tent and look for a VA home to move to and let life play out for the rest of my family.
